Flowers, Failures, and Faith
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I recently decided to start a flower garden with my kids. It’s always been a dream of mine to have a flower garden (and a vegetable one too, but that will come later). As we prepared the soil, purchased seeds (shoutout to my hubby for indulging my spontaneous creative projects 😂), and finally got to the sowing part, I started daydreaming about being able to come outside to my backyard and see this section of beautiful flowers, once they were fully grown. And then an anxious thought snuck in. Because I have tried to grow or take care of quite a few plants in the past, all potted, I started thinking “what if these plants don’t make it past a certain point just like all of the others?” Even though it was technically different this time because the seeds were going in the ground rather than a pot, I struggled to shake the fear in that moment. This thought process then led to me feeling like it was a pattern for my life, or maybe even just a metaphor. It’s not a new thought, it was a trigger that just so happened to really stand out this time. I’ve reflected on what feels like the countless amount of things I’ve tried to accomplish in my life, and somehow along the way I internalized the failures and concluded that there were a lot of attempts with very little (or nothing) to show for it at times. It may feel grim to mention it, but even the stillbirth I experienced 5 years ago felt like the exclamation point on that belief.
Sunflower seedling from my growing flower garden!
So I stood there, trying to process this thought/feeling with the Lord. My first step was trying to understand where it stemmed from. It wasn’t the stillbirth—I was feeling like this long before then and like I said, that felt like the climax of what already seemed to be my reality. I believed that the things that I “sow” in my life often don’t succeed or turn into much.
That’s such a sad thought. But don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not true. Yet, how many times have we all had to deal with realizing we’ve lived our lives believing a lie, even when we know deep down it’s a lie. The way my brain works, sometimes it’s not enough to just tell myself, “That’s not true.” With repetitive thoughts that have taken root or become a stronghold in my mind, the lie needs to be consciously and intentionally proven wrong so I can literally switch out the thought like an old tire for a new one, and the most effective way I’ve found to do this is to replace that lie with what actually is true by searching it out in the word of God. I guess that’s the whole point behind renewing the mind, as is said in scripture.
Feeling this way reminded me a lot about the story of Hannah in the Bible, which is one that I’ve connected with and reread many times since I first gave my life to Christ. Her journey from barrenness to breakthrough is a story that I’m sure many can relate to in one way or another, beyond just the aspect of childbirth. If you’re not familiar with this story it’s in 1 Samuel, chapters 1-2.
Hannah’s story has always given me so much hope, yet I always wondered what it was inside of her that just relentlessly believed God despite the years of not only dealing with barrenness, but also having to endure the taunts from “the other wife.” Talk about adding insult to injury.
The Bible says that year after year Hannah's husband, Elkanah, would go up to Shiloh to give a sacrifice to the Lord. Each time he went, he would give a portion of the sacrifice to his wife Peninah and her kids, and then give a double portion to his wife Hannah. It goes on to say that each year they did this, and each time Peninah would taunt/provoke Hannah to the point of tears, so much so that Hannah would essentially lose her appetite.
One year after they finished eating, she got up, went to the temple and wept before the Lord, and she made the famous vow to the Lord that if he gave her a son, she would dedicate him as a Nazarite for as long as he lives. It goes on to say that she continued to pray, and she was so lost in prayer that no words were coming out, to the point that Eli assumed that she was drunk and mistakenly rebuked her. Then, after she told Eli that she wasn't drunk, but rather in great distress, Eli blesses her and she goes on her way, and then it says she ate again.
I think the key is right there and it can be so easily looked over. Hannah spent year after year so distraught because of the shame of not being able to bear a child and because of how Peninah was continuously provoking her and taunting her. Her pivotal moment was when she finally became so fed up with allowing the same cycle to continue that she decided to make a vow with the Lord. You can see this in the fact that it goes from saying that she would cry so much that she wouldn't eat to saying that she got up after eating (1 Samuel 1:9), went to the temple, and then again saying that she ate afterwards and her face was no longer sad (1 Samuel 1:18). I was curious as to why this detail of her partaking in the meal was included in scripture, and why her husband even shared those portions of the sacrifice to God with her and Peninah. This is what I came across:
In Israelite households, the head of the family served as priest for his dependents during private participation in peace offerings (Leviticus 7:11–15; Deuteronomy 12:17–18). After dedicating the fat to Yahweh and allotting the breast and right thigh to the officiating priests, the remaining meat returned to the offerer for a communal covenant meal. Distribution of this meat—called “portions” (Hebrew manâ)—was an act of hospitality, inclusion, and covenant joy before the LORD. (Source: Bible Hub)
This blew my mind, because it means that after all these years of Hannah not wanting to partake in this meal which symbolically represented a form of covenant with the Lord and with your household, she finally did even though nothing had yet happened (and there was no guarantee that it would). Isn't it so like God to have us act in faith before we see his promises fulfilled in our lives? Just look at Abraham's life and countless others in the Bible and you can see that this is a constant pattern for the Lord.
Can you see any parallels in your life, with those deep desires for the things you know God has promised you?
I’m convinced the problem was never that God didn't want to give her a child. I think that Hannah may not have even fully understood the significance behind the child that she was going to birth, who would then become one of the most significant prophets of Israel and a key figure in the life of David. So I believe God allowed her to get to the point where enough was enough, which provoked her to step into a level of faith she may not have been in before. She brought her petition before the Lord with profound vulnerability and faith, which positioned her to finally be ready to receive what was always meant to be hers.
How many times do we underestimate what God is trying to do in our lives? That business idea that we assume is just to make some side hustle money, that degree He leads us back to school for that we think will simply bring stability to our household, or maybe even that gifting that we’ve had our whole lives and continuously downplay because we doubt it will turn into anything meaningful.
When I reflect on my own life and the many occasions that felt like failures and proof that I wouldn't be successful at producing anything significant (even if I originally believed the Lord had called me to do so) I think about the moments where, like Hannah, I would become so distraught because of this pattern feeling like a taunting from the enemy. I'm at a point now where it makes way more sense for me to actually believe what God has said about me, and act on it in faith, than it does for me to doubt and be afraid.
I can point to the stillbirth being a pivotal moment for me and my family. I came to a crossroads and had to choose whether I would continue to allow the disappointment and failures in my life to lead me into a deep dark pit, inevitably leading to me completely turning away from God. Or, I could choose to heal, grow, draw closer to the Lord and truly become the Giselle that He always intended for me to be. I thank God that He helped me choose the latter. Maybe God is leading you to your own turning point, to finally break the cycle and bear fruit in whatever He is leading you to do, if He hasn’t already.
This is a lifelong journey, though, which means that at times we will come across certain mindsets, attitudes, and limiting beliefs that God has to prune out of us, as it happened with me and my sprouting flower garden. The incorrect belief that I am subject to a life of failure is a big one that I had to confront recently. But I am so grateful for the Holy Spirit and his wisdom, guidance, and gentleness when it comes to helping us overcome the things that are not good for us. There is so much we don’t even realize we do that actually results in self-sabotage.
So, I don't take it lightly or find it to be a coincidence that as I am still working through transitioning my business from what it was to what it is becoming now that God is allowing certain things to essentially provoke me, not towards shame, but so that I can realize that those things need to be dealt with so that I am in position to truly step into the next season with my artwork and establishing all of the facets of my business that God is leading me to do.
My hope and prayer is that as you read these words that you can find some encouragement in your own season, and that you can continue to move forward in faith no matter how uncertain or distant the breakthrough may seem.
It's so important to me to try my best to be authentic. I aim to always walk with the joy of the Lord as my strength, but I never want to come off as someone where it seems like everything is just perfect or all that I ever share are the good parts. Although this is technically good because I know it's a necessary part of the pruning process, I know it can feel uncomfortable for many to admit that there are certain things that come up mentally, emotionally, and even physically that cause you to realize, "Uh oh, this is a problem. I need to do some internal work.” It could be that that is the very thing you need to get out of your way so that the breakthrough you’ve been waiting on can finally come.
I’m here to be that friend that is safe and encouraging, while boldly empowering you to be all that God has called you to be.
I'd love to hear about what God has been showing you in this season and what areas you've noticed that you're either growing in or maybe need help overcoming. I'm here to listen, pray—whatever is within my ability to do, I would love to support you. Feel free to comment below or send me an email at giselle@creatinghallelujahs.com.
P.S. I'm definitely going to share updates on my flower garden—I am so excited. I got over that fear of failure; I'm ready for the flowers to bloom!
P.P.S. Last year I read this book called The Hannah Anointing by Michelle McClain-Walter. If you, like me, can relate to Hannah’s story at all, I highly recommend this book. It is such a great resource to read alongside the actual story in the Bible. You can grab your copy here (affiliate link).
